How to Deal With Poisonous Friends
Poisonous friends can be difficult
to identify. They oftentimes appear loyal and kind, and may share many
common interests with those they poison. Here are some steps and tips which
will help anyone who thinks that they may be dealing with a poisonous friend.
Steps
1. Get
to know your true self. Grab a blank notebook and start writing. Who
do you want to be? What do you like about yourself? How do others see you?
What are your values? If you could change anything about yourself, what
would you change? Decide how you want to live your life. This does not
have to be a comprehensive evaluation, but it should include those things
which are most important to you.
2. Examine
your behavior when you are around your poisonous friend. Do you say
what you honestly think or feel? Do you put others down because you know
that he or she will enjoy it? Do you feel like you have to impress him
or her? Do you fight for his or her attention? Ask yourself questions like
these.
3. Keep
your core values in mind at all times. From now on, you will be true
to yourself and your values. Think before you speak or act. It might be
difficult to begin asserting your true self, but it will be worth it.
4. Surround
yourself with positive influences who share your core values and who
make you feel good about yourself. Don't be afraid to be apart from your
poisonous friend.
5. Assert
your independence a little at a time through your actions. Get a hobby.
Invite a new friend to a movie (do not flaunt this to your friend, though,
since that would make you a somewhat poisonous friend). Join a gym. Volunteer.
Do something that makes you a better person and makes you feel good about
yourself. Do something very un-poisonous and good that will set you apart
from your friend.
6. Distance
yourself from your friend. The key is to do this very slowly. Be discreet
and gradually reduce the time that you spend with this person.
7. Be
wary and protect yourself. Don't share personal information or secrets
with someone you do not absolutely trust. Be kind to everyone, but be choosy
when it comes to developing close friendships. This is not snobbery, this
is wisdom.
Tips
- If you are simply in a disagreement
with a friend, try to resolve it peacefully and preserve the friendship.
- An ideal time to "find yourself"
is on a vacation or a long weekend when you will be away from your friend.
Spending time with family is a fabulous way to get back in touch with your
true self!
- Continue to write in your notebook
to get to know yourself better and to stay in touch with your core values.
An empowering project that you can do in your notebook is to compile a
personal list of "rights." Example: "I have the right to
go fly fishing and not feel embarassed. I have the right to read a book
on Friday nights instead of going to the football game."
- Remember: the only person you can
change is yourself.
- If your family is not aware of your
friend's poisonous behavior, let them know somehow. Spouses, parents, and
siblings can be powerful allies and supporters.
- Be careful not to become poisonous
yourself. As hard as it is, you must be the bigger person and show kindness
to your friend even while distancing yourself from him or her. He or she
is probably dealing with many internal battles.
- Avoid the extremes of "passive"
and "aggressive" behavior. Only a tiny fraction of situations
truly require drastic measures.
- When you begin asserting your independence
by following your core values, your friend may be surprised or angered.
If he or she questions you, simply explain that you "have decided
not to steal cars anymore" or "that you really have always liked
fly fishing but hadn't gone in a long time."
You'll Need
- A blank notebook
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