1. I am on vacation from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy. I will allow each sender one email. If you send me multiple emails, I will randomly delete your emails until it is pared down to one. Choose wisely. Please note that you already sent me one email.
3. I will be out of the office and returning next week. I have incredibly easy access to a phone and email, but I assure you, it will not be used for work purposes.
4. I'm out of the office and returning tomorrow, at which time I will promptly delete all of your emails.
5. Hey there, could you give me a call instead? I'd rather deal with this over the phone. If I don't answer, just keep trying. I've been having issues with my phone.
6. I am currently out of the office. I have a cell phone, but I will not be giving it to you. If you can guess the number, I will take your call.
9. I will be away from work for one week while training. When I return, don't expect any improvement.
10. I am currently in the office but swamped with work. This work was probably due to something you already requested. If you are sending me another request, go ahead and recall your email now.
11. I am out of the office at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm returning tomorrow.
12. I am currently interviewing for a new job. Upon my return, I hope to give my two weeks’ notice and never respond to your email.
13. I am away at lunch. You should consider trying it. P.S. - This is not an invitation.
16. I am currently out of the office and probably out-of-my-mind drunk. Enjoy your work week.
17. I am currently in the bathroom dropping a deuce. If this is an urgent matter, it only takes me about 2-3 minutes to take a dump, wipe my butt, properly wash my hands of fecal matter, and return to my desk. Feel free to stop by my desk later and give me a high five!
18. (For men only) I am currently out of the office on maternity leave.
19. I am in the office but completely incapacitated by the monstrous Chinese buffet lunch I ate earlier today. It would be best if your questions waited until tomorrow. Thanks.
20. I am away from the office at this moment. I will still be away from the office at the next moment and returning at a later moment. If you have any issues at the current moment, and they cannot wait until a later moment, please contact my manager, who may actually be away at the moment. Moment. Moment.
21. I'm away from my desk right now. I still have my cubicle, but someone took my desk. I went looking for it. I'll respond to you when my desk gets back to my cubicle.
27. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
29. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on (date). Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
30. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
31. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
32. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
36. I will be out of the office until… hell freezes over.
39. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
40. I am no longer working for the company. My last day was MM/DD/YYYY. The date is only provided for you to witness how long it takes IT to shut down my email address.
41. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
43. I recently quit this job because of emails from people like you. I hope you are happy.
